21:43 

I sometime vomit this things out when they crowd me from the inside.I hate it.

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My father,you know,he was not a good man,he was not.And I have no right to forgive him,the things he had done,you know,it`s not my thing to do,to forgive him.It would be such a betrayl,I`ll betray the others by doings so,especially my mother.It`s not my duty to forgive him,I do not forgive him,he still has the weight of his sins,but I still love him,I do.I hope it`s okay.I`m not allowed to tell this to anyone,you know,they will be so upset,and it still feels like betrayal.But.He was my father,how can I just not?He never loved my mother and I must be so stupid for assuming he might have at least loved me in his own twisted way,but it`s kind of our family thing,we don`t know how to show our affection,we are afraid to.I must be so naive to believe he felt something,I feel so guilty every damned second for loving him.Al least I had enough strength not to forgive him,`cause thingh he`d done were great,and I don` t mean it a good way.They were truly great,but terrifying.

Never wanted to tell this,but it`s stuck in my head and I can keep this up oh for so long,but it`s still not long enough.Just had to spill my guts out here.
You know,I hate it about myself,but when I start speaking about feelings I have to force words out and I feel dirty all over,like I`m totally not doing the right thing,I have to quit,but I cant `cause sometimes I feel like I`m gonna explode,and a feeling of shame and guilt after writing something like this is still much more familiar and a lot better than a break down,I don`t have time for these and I just can`t do this to the others,they`ll be so worried so upset.I can`t let them down,I`m selfish,and that could be the end of me.




 

@темы: Архив тайной полиции, Встречный ветер, Среда обитания

21:06 

If by Rudyard Kipling

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If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

@настроение: I always take such things as orders

@темы: О том,немногом..., Яволь!!!, в жизни всегда есть место подвигу

12:23 

from Survival Poem #17

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Buildings
collapsed into themselves. ribs
caving toward the spine. recite
the strongest poem you know. a spell
against the lonely that gets you
in crowds and on three hours’ sleep.
wonder where the gods are now.
get up. because death is not
an alternative. because this is what you do.

@темы: от солидола у них лапки распухают (с), жизнь - это процесс, а не результат(с), О том,немногом...

13:05 

They've got hearts for me to break and burn

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So Carry Me,
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

@музыка: Jars Of Clay

@темы: О том,немногом..., в жизни всегда есть место подвигу, жизнь - это процесс, а не результат(с)

23:55 

Okay,I might be crazy but still.

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Well,a shot of confidence changes it all.Let`s keep it going.Up an` at `em.

Still,still it goes up and down
forever bound to the sun
and the world beneath
round and round
keeps moving not letting go
having faith
as an important part of it`s soul
jumps in wrong directions
but still finds it`s righteous way
it`s way home
where the glorious light fills it and fulls it
until it`s ready again
to sacrifice to pain to loose to be lost to be weak
to hide to feel to break to stumble to fall
all so to rise again
And the circle begins.

@темы: Великий Я, О том,немногом..., Эпично, в жизни всегда есть место подвигу

19:17 

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18:36 

lock Доступ к записи ограничен

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

URL
17:12 

Jesus fucking Christ almighty

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No way they could have done that!
It was okay when they renamed episode 22 from God to the stupid There Will Be Blood, but jesusdamnmotheroffuck, how on earth they came to naming ep. 23 Get Dick?! Freaking Get Dick!
Get Dick! Really?! Are you serious?! Holy motherfucking shit, Get Dick!

To tell the truth, it also works perfectly for all other eps if you really have the guts to try and replace all the words in the titles.

And also I`m now waiting for all the dick jokes in the last ep, like for real.

@темы: отдел линейного счастья, Что это,Отто?!, Тапочки-мухоморы, О том,немногом...

17:16 

The hell?

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15:59 

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21:10 

lock Доступ к записи ограничен

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URL
13:29 

Richard Siken.Road Music.

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Richard Siken
Road music
>1



The eye stretches to the horizon and then must continue up.

Anything past the horizon

is invisible, it can only be imagined. You want to see the future but

you only see the sky. Fluffy clouds.

Look-white fluffy clouds.

Looking back is easy for a while and then looking back gets

murky. There is the road, and there is the story of where the road goes,

which is only a story,

and then there is more road, the roar of the freeway, the roar of the crowd,

the roar of the city sheening across the city.

There should be a place.

At the rest stop, in the restaurant, the overpass, the water's edge¦

There should be a place where we are more than just a narrative.





2



читать дальше

@темы: кому не нужен ломтик июльского неба-подарите(с), Полковнику никто не пишет(с), О том,немногом...

14:21 

Sooo

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you are darkgreen
#006400

Your dominant hue is green. You're logical and steadfast, focused on figuring life out and doing what makes sense. You value being trusted because you know you're taking the time to figure things out and everyone should just follow you.

Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.

Your outlook on life is slightly darker than most people's. You try to see things for what they are and face situations honestly. You'd rather get to the point than look for what's good.
the spacefem.com html color quiz

@темы: Тапочки-мухоморы, Великий Я

15:35 

No name for the feeling

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Clifford Geertz’ awesome article "Deep Play: Notes on the Balinese Cock Fight",man,it`s frigginfantastic!
Why am i laughing my ass off?You ask me,you ask me...

@темы: ich bin der brennande Komet, Тапочки-мухоморы, Что это,Отто?!

22:50 

there are so many truths i want to say, why did you ask for the lie?

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I want death death death for my birthday
I want death death death in the worst way
Don`t get me wrong I love life
But life means family and friends
Oh bless my soul I`m out to destroy them
Oh I use my heart as a weapon
Choose best places to aim not knowing then

My version of hell
is someone ripping open his shirt
and saying, Look what I did for you
.

@темы: жизнь - это процесс, а не результат(с), Встречный ветер, Архив тайной полиции, ich bin der brennande Komet

19:24 

Arkaye Keirulf “Spaces”

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Your sadness is immaterial.
You did not come into the world to be happy.
You came to suffer/survive.

@темы: О том,немногом..., в жизни всегда есть место подвигу, от солидола у них лапки распухают (с)

20:20 

About Jess.

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en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jessica_Care_Moore
I thought it was nothing,but no:this name is a reference too.

@темы: Что это,Отто?!

21:55 

Just that.26 days left,damn.

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00:04 

~~~

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11:13 

adjgejsotkhodhlfgv;kj'l

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Очень плотный воздух?

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